Movie Going Etiquette

I see me as a pretty well seasoned vet when it comes tothe movies. And in a general sense of how to act accordingly when that takes place. There’s just some things that should be entirely illegal when it comes to seeing films in public. And I for one have seen my fair share of madness over the years. I know there’s going to be some things I say in this piece that is going to offend people. But, I am perfectly content with that fact, and can live with the potential backlash. I won’t completely stick to the moving going experience itself, And I will bounce around a bit so just bare with me through this.

Bringing Your Children To The Theater- I don’t know myself what its like having to be a Parent in this day and age. But, I do know that bringing practically an infant to any film going experience is a big “Stop Light” Holy shit I can’t believe how loud that little thing can be. Is basically a big Kings X in my humble opinion, you can’t have a Baby in the background screaming bloody murder and expect anyone to enjoy their stay. I remember almost choking on my Popcorn when I was 15 hearing it suddenly in the background. There’s very few things that make me want to go into an out of control rage. There’s a place and time to have baby’s by your side. The movie theater isn’t one of those venue’s I don’t think.

Making Out- You paid almost 25 bucks for dinner and a movie. You place your hand on the woman’s lap and start to rub her leg. OMG THIS IS TURNING INTO A CREEPY FANFICTION!!!! But seriously guys, keep the PDA to a very cool minimum. I don’t have a problem with people kissing or cuddling. But this all out War of epic proportion that you could have kept at home!?!? NO!!! I refuse to accept that as an option, and believeme, in all my years I have seen it happen on that level. I remember sitting next to a couple that was probably intheir mid 20’s I am just guessing. And the guy was literally saying things to her that probably would never come out of my mouth. I distinctlyrecall him putting his hands very close to her vaginal area. Not inside, merely just on the outside where she could feel it. I saw all of this take place right beside me, and you’re probably thinking Chris that’s insane, but this is a completely honest story. Don’t do it folks, it’s gross and I will get up and tell a manager details of what you were doing.

Food- This is going to cover a wide array of things I have taken note of. First off, when you go to the Cash Register to take your order. I feel like at times people just sit there with a blank stare for moments at a time. And don’t even realize that there are people standing directly behind them waiting. They get this blank look taking glimpses on the food they want and at times, you could almost see a stream of drool running down their cheeks. You think that’s a joke, watch people and tell me I am wrong!!! This isn’t your fridge at home buddy, We don’t have all day for you to analyze this. Take a couple minutes and look into what you want. Then kindly depart from my space, so that I can show you how a real pro handles his business. The second part of this is just generally how you handle yourself in the theater while eating your food. I don’t want to sit there and listen to you chomp like a God damn cave man. I am not your wife or kids, I won’t put up with that shit. I will simply and as kindly as possible tell you to calm the fuck down with your grub Fest. If you don’t stop, I will just straight out to shut the fuck up right after that. Watchingyou food fall out of your mouth like a Monster truck kicking up dirt is disgusting. STOP IT!!! I don’t want toplan out way’s I can sew a person’s mouth shut while trying to enjoy my flick. Thankfully though, I haven’t really encountered this one on too many occasions. Of course, this could very well change now that I have spoken on the subject.

Bathroom- Ok, this one is going to be absolutely grotesque. Because too many times I have encountered people doing this stuff. And most of them practically don’t even realize it’s probably happening. And this of course apply’s to the majority of the outside world interactions. Can you please learn to not make the Bathroom a disaster area? I feel like walking into some theater Bathrooms. The movie Twister just took place and nobody was left alive in the aftermath. Your literal piss and shit on the ground, And water from the toilet where it looks as if you splashed like a kid at bath time. Is not only unacceptable, but you should be punished severely for this act. It’s not a good time going into the bathroom having to walk slowly, knowing that any moment you could slip and fall and break every bone in your body. I know other people don’t enjoy this, so I can’t really be the only one.

Cell Phones and Talking- I figured putting these two in the same one would be good. They sort of coincide with one another from time to time more often than not. I must admit, I myself have been guilty of both of these things. But, to see there for an hour or two during the movie almost the entire time doing it. I won’t even go down that road with the people I am with. I remember I would always enjoy attending flicks all by my lonesome. And I would make it a point to turn off any communication devices. Because I realize how God awfully rude, it is for people dealing with it. And no, no amount of dimming your phone or leaning over to attempt to whisper will mask your announce. Sorry, it just doesn’t work, unless of course you intend on discussing plot and or what you’re doing afterwards during action scenes. In that case, then it’s completely fine and I won’t consider drop kicking you out the door myself. Do what the majority of the infomercials says to do “Be courteous, or we’ll remove you immediately, “ This isn’t an episode of 24, you aren’t Jack Bower, you really need to quit that shit. I think that’s about it for me guys, I think I may actually make this into a two or maybe a three part series. Or more possibly if you like it? =)  

Contributor- Chris Ballenger


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