It’s Been Awhile

I haven’t really written anything on here in awhile, so I just figured I would give it a go and see where it takes me. Over the past year and a half maybe two years, I have had many triumphs in my life. And far to many sudden smacks in the back of the head. To where I have been truly confused as to where it’s all leading, and where I am going in my life personally. I wish I knew, but I think that’s impossible to gauge, even at the bright age of 28 years old. I still don’t know, I know what I want to do with my life, and the career part of it makes perfect sense. But everything else is just kind of one big ball of confusion, and I am not really sure where all of this is going to lead me. I don’t know if I’ll have the love that I know deep down that I deserve.

Maybe that’s just a fairy tale that many try to convince themselves is real? I don’t want to sound pessimistic, and that truly isn’t my intention in writing this. I just want to know why, why I can’t have the things that other people have? Is it a character flaw of some kind? It is something I don’t do, that so many other people have some how mastered over their lives? I want to let people in, the desire is there and it always really has been. But what is it that makes people abuse me like they do? And I am not speaking on this in a physical sense, I say this more as a neglect. I don’t ever feel like people care enough to be around me. Relationships, Friendships, and such has always been a struggle. And yet, it hasn’t pushed me to have a complex. It has more or less made me understand that I value myself and what I have to offer more then even I realize.

I didn’t want to say these things, and you won’t be hearing me mention any names. Because I respect people and myself way to much to subject people to such harsh criticism. But then, I ask myself, would that be the best approach to take in all of this? Would putting people’s names in lights exposing this folly be the right thing to do? I suppose maybe temporarily it might, but that’s not the kind of person I am, and I don’t think it’ll ever be me. I sit in my chamber of filth and continue to be the martyr that I know I always have been. And sadly, that is something that is probably never going to change about me. I will always be a doormat for people’s punishment, it is the one thing that I can do better then anyone else on the planet. Is that me beating myself up? No, I tend to believe it’s just me admitting what I am to you all and myself.

I just hope you all understand, and accept yourselves for who you know you are. And that it doesn’t matter what people think, you just have to keep doing what’s best for you. I can’t be anyone else, and to be perfectly honest, I don’t believe for a second I have ever tried to be. But, to quote a famous Rapper that I know I could very well get flack for. “I used to have someone at 3 am that I could call, now it just rings and I don’t get nothing at all” But hey, that’s a burden I bare I suppose right? I don’t feel appreciated by half the people in my life anymore. But then again, maybe if I keep fighting for it I will finally get past all the shit that found myself always drowning in? I’m hurt, I am isolated and it’s more painful then anything I could experience physically. But I’m a fighter, and that is something that’s never changed about me as well.

And I am damn proud to say that it never will, you don’t have to have fought in a War to know what it feels like to be blown away by the gunfire of life. Because sometimes, that can be worse then anything you could experience in the physical world of hurt and pain. I find myself at this point just rambling on, maybe I should stop? But if I did, I may not come back from this. I just thought I would get that off my chest, and as always I hope it helps you if you’re going through something similar. Just know, that maybe it seems hard now and completely impossible to bare. But the light is always on the other side, and good things do come to those who keep fighting.

Contributor- Chris Ballenger

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