Is it always going to be like this? Resisting and fighting feelings that I never want, not knowing until it’s too late that I was powerless to stop them. Fighting back instinct, biting my tongue, carrying on like nothing’s wrong. Pretending that my heart doesn’t pick up when you speak. Falling harder and faster for the ones who’ll never catch me. I can’t even be angry when I’m the one doing this to myself.
They say that you never fall the same way twice. I know that I’m falling but I can’t say it’s love. It feels nothing like the last time. It doesn’t hurt, and it’s stronger but not all at the same time. But I have to wonder, will falling always feel like guilt for wanting someone who wants for someone not me? Will I always stand down instead of fighting for who I want just because I never feel like I’m good enough to have who my heart wants?
I feel like I’m meant to be alone, even if it hurts. Dreams of you caring, telling me that I won’t be alone. You are everything and nothing like I thought I wanted. It’s not your fault for me feeling the way I do. It’s only myself that let’s me get hurt the way I always do. How was I to know that love will always taste like guilt at the tip of my tongue? Bitter with want and desire, tinged with the regret of never-will-be’s. I’m the hopeless one here, never knowing when to back away, even after the flames of want burn me to the core, igniting my bones until there is nothing left of me to give. Whatever this is this time, it burns me brighter than all the others combined, flames licking higher and higher until the day comes when I finally combust from the intensity, fireworks of everything that could be but wasn’t lighting the ground of where I once stood. For now, I’ll take what I can, stoking this fire until the time comes when I finally burn out.
Contributor~ Amanda Zober