I close my eyes and breathe, pretend it’s all a dream. The trials, the errs, falling flat on my face after giving my all. It’s the words I didn’t say, the actions I gave you that I never gave before. It’s knowing who I am and expecting more than I am. It’s rushing to conclusions that I was foolish to believe. It’s trusting a heart that no longer beats.
I’m a hopeless person, hoping one day I’ll be okay. Believe me when I say I’m happy for you, because I am. No matter how conflicted it makes me feel, your happiness and peace of mind mean more to me than I myself do.
It’s in my nature to be bitter and vindictive. My base instincts to make to make you feel as disgusting, ensnared, licentious, as you made me feel. To sin is to err and I’m the Queen of the Damned. It’s in my blood; envy, lust, wrath, greed. To want you to want me in the same way, but not all sinners are as damned to do as I am. It takes a special type of sinner to put themselves through Hell in the name of punishment for being what they cannot change. False virtue can never turn the damned into Saints.
I never pretended to be a virtuous soul. Virtue is for the save-able, something I could never be; will never be. I’ve never been one to delude myself into believing I was something more than expendable, more than a placeholder for the more desirable someone they really wanted. I was the twit who, for a moment, believed I was something more than temporary. Those who believe contrary forget, all life is temporary; some of us more so than others.
The truth is, a sinner is a sinner; damned to do, damned to want, damned to love. The pious sinners masquerading as Saints, fooling everyone, including themselves, into thinking they are more than they are. The sinners who damn themselves for wrongs they can never forgive themselves for. I’m the Queen of the Damned, stuck paying for sins I’ll never be able to repent, but never will I believe I deserve more than I am. The sinner of sinners; living blind, learning to love the sins in my blood.
Contributor ~ Amanda Zober