Contributor: Rick McGimpsey
As some of you realised by now I have been AWOL for nearly a month. Suffice it to say I had been dealing with some personal matters and took some time off. To those who read these lists of mine each week I offer an apology and a quick catch-up by posting all four delayed lists in one post. I hope you enjoy them and can forgive my absence.
List #1. Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to NCIS Fans
1. The spin-offs are so much better. They have less annoying characters like Ducky or Abby.
2. Those black & white flairs and freeze shots at the beginning of every commercial break are annoying as hell. I am getting a headache.
3. 12 seasons! Good lord! Can they just cancel this dead show already!?
4. You know what would be an interesting story arc? Killing off Gibbs.
5. I don’t much care for this show. It seems more like a poor rip-off of JAG.
Here begins the first three lists for what would have been Book Series Month:
List #2. Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to Harry Potter Fans
1. If I went to Hogwarts I would be put in Hufflepuff. That’s where Robert Pattinson went. He’s so dreamy! ❤
2. Why did the Order of the Phoenix in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows all take polyjuice potion to look like Harry if he is Enemy Number One? Why not all look like someone else or, even better, make Harry look like someone else? You know, someone the Death Eaters wouldn’t try to hunt and kill?
3. Harry Potter is an evil series promoting Druidism and anti-American values such as pagan rituals and blood sacrifices! Have I ever read them? No, of course not! Why would I?
4. Am I the only one who finds the Quidditch chapters tedious and boring?
5. Hogwarts is a terrible school. The students are constantly put in perpetual danger by incompetent staff. It’s set next to a forest filled with violent centaurs and giants. The school’s disciplinary methods apparently includes a school dungeon with all the trimmings such as trolls and three-headed dogs. It is divided into an archaic four-house class system encouraging bigotry and snobbery. And most of the teachers have history involving lycanthropy and/or associations with Grindelwald or Voldemort. What parent would ever send their child there? I would feel safer if my child was put in Durmstrang!
List #3. Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to Sherlock Holmes Fans:
1. Psh! Sherlock Holmes is a nobody. Everyone knows the world’s greatest detective is Batman!
2. Arthur Conan Doyle? Didn’t that guy write The Lost World. Sherlock Holmes? Wait, you are saying Sherlock Holmes was in Jurassic Park? I am so confused.
3. Sherlock Holmes is terrible literary material for young readers! The man is a crack addict who is antisocial and self-centred. What kind of role-model is that? How could a hero with such imperfections be interesting?
4. Moriarty? Isn’t that the name of the Dwarf mines in Lord of the Rings?
5. Data from Star Trek was a much better Sherlock Holmes than Robert Downy Jr. or Benedict Cumberbatch!
List #4. Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to Ender’s Game Fans:
1. There is a character named Bean. The author of the books is Orson Scott Card. There must be a connection somewhere, somehow to actor Orson Bean! I will find it!
2. Buggers? Wow, that sounds incredibly dirty!
3. Am I the only who has problems with Ender Wiggin’s morals? He saves the world from a serious threat and throws a fit about it even though it was necessary. That doesn’t make you a saint; it makes you a traitor.
4. So you are telling me a game reprogrammed itself and became an artificial sentience named Jane? Sounds to me like Mr. Card is ripping off TRON!
5. 15 books, huh? Orson Scott Card is gonna milk profit from these books until they are dry I guess.
This Monday (I promise): Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to Dark Tower Fans