Contributor~ Amanda Zober
I’ve come to a point where I have realized that I keep a lot of things to myself and I have trouble speaking out and putting my thoughts into words. I’m not exactly sure what I am doing with my life, nor do I have any idea on what it is that I want with my life. I’ve gone through the last year believing that I was content with how things were, but recently it feels like content became complacency. Somehow everything that I thought I wanted and everything that I was truly okay with, even six months ago, doesn’t feel right anymore.
I don’t quite know how to explain it. It kind of feels like the life I thought I wanted is coming together, but it now feels like someone else’s life. I still answer any questions about where I want to go like I would have before, only now it comes out as if it were rehearsed lines, continuously said until they are automatic responses. It feels like I am just parodying someone else’s life.
So when I try to fix things because I really just have no idea what I’m doing, I get called fake. And a whore and all this other shit. Okay, I have issues with a lot of people that I hang out with. I really don’t consider them friends. Well, some of them I do. So when everyone gets together, I try to have and not cause waves. Sometimes I lose my temper and I do say something, which causes things to backfire on me. Now I do try to be as genuine as I can, and sometimes things don’t go as planned, but I am trying. I have no idea what I am doing. School never really prepared you for real life and social interactions.
So here are some facts about me that no one really seems to understand.
1) I absolutely love horror movies, but I’d prefer to watch comedy.
2) I don’t like the idea of drinking too much, but I will keep drinking if it’s in front of me.
3) I hate the idea of being in a relationship. The idea of settling down makes me feel really sick, in a stomach curdling way. It terrifies me. Although I do want someone to go on dates with and be with. I like romance and I want it, but I can’t handle serious.
4) I am a very angry person. I hate how I used to lose my temper so I try to hide it and pretend that things don’t bother me. Now I have no clue how to even stand up for myself because I’ve tried so hard to hide that part of myself.
5) I really have no self confidence. It’s all false bravado and sheer impulsiveness.
6) I rush into things without thinking a lot, but I do try to think everything through. It just doesn’t work out very often..
7) Even if I cannot stand you and want absolutely nothing to do with you, I will be there to do anything for you if you ever needed my help.
8) I don’t do nice things for everyone to make myself look good. I do them because I feel incredibly guilty if there was something I could do and I chose not to.
9) I am very lazy! I work 60 hours a week and I dance, but when it comes to doing things in my personal life, I am just too lazy to bother half of the time.
10) I do not get along with my family all that well, but I will fight back if anyone else were to say anything about them.
11) I am not lying when I say I have a temper. I look quiet and small, but I’m mean. I know I am and I know that I have hurt good people for no reason. Just because you know me now and have never seen it, doesn’t mean the anger isn’t still there. I’m just better at controlling it now.
12) If I care about you, that’s it. Even if we aren’t friends anymore, I will always have your back if you need me to.
13) I know I am weird and I like abnormal things. I can accept that about myself. Doesn’t mean that I’ll hide my interest for your benefit.
14) I talk a lot of shit. You can bet your ass though, that I have said it to your face first and have made my position clear.
I really have no clue how to fix my social life. Letting go is hard for me. I have lost a lot of people and losing anyone else terrifies me. I try and give up. I go with the easier ways out sometimes because I am just so tired of fighting. My brain and heart go on over drive and everything gets so mixed up in my head that I have trouble remembering to breathe half of the time. So call me fake. I have no idea who I am or what I’m doing. I’m trying to figure it out as I go. I don’t know how I can be fake when I don’t even know who I am. It’s your judgement call; apparently you know me better than I know myself.