When it’s on your soul, you just have to write it right? =)
I thought you had to work an actual job, whatever that actually means. To have a respect for what others contribute, this couldn’t be further from the truth. It simply took me taking responsibility for my life, to come to the realization that you might always have people that will help you. But you have to make your own path, you have to put in the work no matter what it is you choose to do in this world.
No happy man with a beard in the sky, is going to make that a reality for you. And you can’t flee to a corner when things get rough, you have to stand your ground and battle. I didn’t understand this until I moved out, I also had no clue what it was all about until I gave my time to others with no thought of what I’d get from it. And lastly, it took my Grandmother to break down into what she is now. For me to truly grasp how imperative it was for me to make my own path.
I am closer to my Grandfather even in death, because I finally got what he was trying to tell me all those years ago. I finally understood what it takes, and while the life I’ve chosen may have not been what he foresaw. I believe with my whole heart, that he could stand and look at me today and pat me on the shoulder. And let me know how much he was proud of the man I am now. I am a writer because of the pain I have suffered, but I am a writer more so because of the words he instilled in me. The nights of fighting over school work never getting done, when for many times I underperformed. He saw this in me way before I could myself.
My Grandfather wrote also, he was quite the penmen in his day. I have gotten the privilege to read several of the things he contributed in story form. I may have a lot of years never understood why we clashed, but I don’t think that’s really important today. He never told us to follow our dreams, but there was always this idea that you could find joy in whatever it is you did in life.
I guess I’m sort of sad that I never knew just how good he was at crafting words. We could have shared that later in life, but he never talked to any of us on that deep of a level. I guess that’s one thing I do regret, that and the fact that I never got to really show him how far I’ve come.Some how though, I wanna believe he knows. I’ve done nothing but fight, he and I have a very similar spirit. I get a sample every now and again, of what he went through later in his life with the Emphysema. He may have been harsh, his methods now would probably seem extreme to most.
But I don’t believe he really held me back, in fact I think he did the total opposite. But he wanted me to do things I wasn’t ever attached to emotionally, I wasn’t going to be what he was professionally. I didn’t have the work ethic he had, and I certainly never grasped the notion that was furthering education.
Maybe it would have appeased him temporarily, maybe if I just would have listened a bit more. We could have gotten a bit closure. I’m not sure, because it always seemed like an impossible task. I know deep down though, he was a good man. And he took care of his family, and that was at the time all I could or should have expected. Now? I truly believe it would have been so much different.
I think expectations are a killer, you can really do a lot of damage to yourself and those you care about. When that’s all you think about, where is this going to lead and how will they make my life better in the long haul. I think its healthy to an extent, because it keeps people’s drive to surpass what they’ve done prior. And that’s important to do, but you can take that past the point of where it no longer helps anyone progress.
I don’t think he knew how to structure that, and I think the disciplinarian in him won rather than the provider or the father figure. A person you could go to when things got difficult. But I guess as I as always stated, our Grandmother was the opposite of him. She loved us no matter what we did, he always had conditions and terms.
Creator And Contributor- Chris Ballenger
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