Contributor: Rick McGimpsey
Halloween: Resurrection is by far the worst Halloween movie ever made! It is worse than Rob Zombie’s Halloween II. It is worse than Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers. Yes, it is even worse than Halloween III: Season of the Witch.
Making a film this terrible right after the series’ revitalisation in H20 seems like an accomplishment in and of itself. I am at a loss for an explanation for what the writers and director were thinking. H20 was a serious attempt to bring the series out of the campiness and absurdity of the recent sequels and to bring Halloween back to its more suspenseful roots.
So whatever lobotomised intellectual reject who greenlit this insulting piece of tripe needs to seriously reconsider the appropriateness of their continued involvement in this franchise. If you spent a few hours scrubbing the bathtub after your 2 year old took a dump in it you would not immediately afterward pull down your pants and take a shit in it yourself. And that is precisely what this film does. It shits on the effort made to make the franchise serious again. And every time I view this horrendous rubbish I scratch my head wondering why.
The film takes place a few years after H20 and we discover Laurie Strode has been in a mental hospital the entire time since. It turns out that the man she decapitated in the previous film was not Michael Myers, but a police officer Michael stuffed into the body bag when no one was looking. He switched clothes with him and even put his mask on him. To keep him from crying out and identifying himself he crushed the officer’s larynx rendering him voiceless. Ignoring certain plot holes (like how a normal guy with a crushed larynx had the strength the rip himself out of a body bag, why Michael did not simply kill him so he could just pass as his corpse, or why the officer didn’t just take the mask off when he got out of the bag) the main point we are supposed to take away from this is that Laurie killed an innocent man and went crazy with grief.
With the same apparent investigative prowess Michael displayed in the last film he once again discovers Laurie’s current location and breaks into the asylum. Laurie faces him and almost defeats him again before she hesitates knowing that she once murdered an innocent wearing Michael’s mask. Unfortunately, her hesitation yields disastrous results and she is killed by Myers. It took him over two decades, but Michael Myers’ mission is now complete. When you think about it Laurie was being quite stupid since unlike Ben Traymor and the decapitated cop this man dressed as Myers actually did try to kill her. I would also point out removing his mask to identify him as Michael would be pointless since she has no idea what Michael Myers even looks like. Last time she saw his face was 20 years ago in a dark hallway.
Isn’t this a wonderful way to begin a bad movie? Before unleashing all of the really stupid shit upon us Halloween Resurrection flushes out the last vestige of quality the franchise had by killing off our heroic icon. Laurie Strode is now dead and all we have left is a story so retarded that I can scarcely believe what I am seeing.
Sometime later a reality network that showcases live programmes streaming on the internet is auditioning for some young college students to spend the night live at the old Myers house. The network is called Dangertainment and is run by Busta Rymes and Tyra Banks. Actually they are characters played by Rymes and Banks, but I am too lazy to research their character names for a film this disgustingly offensive to me. The less time I spend on this review the less moments of my precious mortality I waste.
A bunch of cameras are placed throughout the house which live viewers can switch back and forth to over the web. But, Rymes, feeling that spending the night at the childhood home of a mass murderer isn’t interesting enough, decides to plant a bunch of fake props to spice up the production. Now the old Myers house has fake skeletons in the walls and weird toys that look like they came out of Sid Phillips’ bedroom to imply that Myers had a troubled childhood. Because nothing is more tasteful and respectful to victims’ families than making their killers out to be the boogeyman. I mean, just imagine if someone hosted an overnight stay at Jeffrey Dahmer’s apartment and placed fake body parts in the fridge. I know Michael Myers isn’t real, but in context to the film’s world Busta Rymes is a serious asshole. Cashing in on tragedy for entertainment is a real dick move. But, perhaps I shouldn’t say too much since this film itself is a tragedy and I am writing a review of it to gain more traffic on this blog.
One of the actresses, that I will just call the Heroine because I am on principle actively refusing to look up any details I forgot on this stupid movie, who was selected to be on the show is online friends with a computer nerd whom she relies on for encouragement throughout her involvement with the production. He even goes so far as to bring his laptop to a Halloween party he is invited to so he can quietly watch her show while his peers get drunk and make out in the corner.
Sadly for Ryme’s career his fake props and cheap scare gags impress no one and soon his audience and the participants start actively looking for fake props and gags to laugh at and mock at his own expense. This, of course, presents a serious problem for the jaded audience when the real Michael shows up and starts murdering the actors and actresses for real. Most of the audience streaming the programme think the murders are fake, but, the computer nerd believes they are real and calls the police. He is dismissed by the cops as a prank caller and is disbelieved. He starts texting the Heroine to help her find safe places to hide since being an audience member he has access to all the cameras’ feeds. He eventually helps her escape and to make a terrible story short Busta Rymes shows up, does some karate moves on Michael, and then leaves him to die in a fire. Before making his exit Mr. Rymes decides to give us some great lines like “Trick or treat, motherfucker!” and “Happy fucking Halloween.” Remember the good old days when Halloween dialogue consisted of Dr. Loomis creepily ranting about the “devil’s eyes” and hell refusing to take Michael into the Abyss?
Busta and the Heroine are met by some press people trying to interview them to get the scoop on what happened, but Rymes, now a changed and somber man, pontificates that the horrific events are not something to cash in on; but a serious tragedy that should not be taken lightly. While I agree with him I would suggest he still get off his high horse since less than 24 hours ago he was just as bad as those reporters and tabloid journalists. In his position the only stance he can take outside of hypocrisy is one of pity rather than scorn.
Later on Michael’s body is taken to the morgue and about to be examined by a coroner when his eyes suddenly open and the credits begin to role.
Unfortunately, the loose ends established by that cliffhanger are never rectified since no sequel was ever made. In 2007 the first Halloween was remade by Rob Zombie rebooting the series and ending the original continuity. I say unfortunately only because I don’t think any sequel to Halloween Resurrection could have been this bad. The movie is an atrocity that undermines everything H20 tried to do. What really pisses me off is that Resurrection actually continues to ignore Halloweens 3-6 just like H20 did. While those films aren’t that good it still takes a lot of balls for a movie like Halloween Resurrection to assert itself as better. That would be like General Ambrose Burnside or James Abercrombie snubbing Patton and Napoleon at a party. Halloween Resurrection is in no position to put on airs.
The humour is stupid and poorly timed, the characters are all either morons or assholes, the plot makes no sense, and no respect is paid to the franchise.
I am still sitting here amazed that a sequel this terrible could be made right after H20. Most movie franchises degenerate with time as they go along, but they don’t do a sudden 180. The James Bond film Moonraker didn’t immediately follow From Russia with Love. It occurred during the notorious Roger Moore era. Nor did Jason X didn’t come right after Friday the 13th Part IV. It followed Jason Goes to Hell and Jason Takes Manhattan. Obvious patterns of badness are set before the worst of the bunch is revealed. Halloween Resurrection is one shocking exception. I am not sure who thought this sequel was a good idea, but it was one of the worst fuck ups in horror history.