Category Archives: Top 5 Things You Do Not Say

5 Things You Do Not Say to Batman v Superman Fans

Contributor: Rick McGimpsey

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  1. This movie borrows way too much from Frank Miller, the worst writer for Batman ever.
  2. That ain’t Batman! That’s a murdering thug in a stupid-looking armor suit!
  3. That ain’t Superman! That’s a moody emo with more angst than Harry Potter!
  4. The Ultimate Cut is most ridiculous thing I ever heard of! Whoever heard of an R-rated comic book movie? I mean, seriously?
  5. The voice actor who played Scar in The Lion King is Alfred? I wonder if he complained about being “surrounded by idiots” after reading the script.

 

Next month: 5 Things You Do Not Say to Suicide Squad Fans

Note: This list is satire only and does not necessarily reflect the views of the writer. Anyone who takes this seriously is condemned to a one-on-one match with Doomsday.

5 Things You Do Not Say to Man of Steel Fans

Contributor: Rick McGimpsey

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  1. Henry Cavill is no Brandon Routh, but he suffices.
  2. Why is he so dark and gritty? Is it just because Nolan produced it? Superman should growl and say “I’M SUPERMAN!” every time he graps a criminal.
  3. Am I the only one who finds it ironic that the guy with the Kryptonian symbol for hope emblazoned on his chest is the guy who said “Krypton had its chance!” and let his race die?
  4. You know what this movie needs? More Richard Pryor.
  5. What? Lois Lane knows who Clark Kent is? That goes against the lore and makes no sense! They should have him kiss and magically make her forget who he is like in Superman II.

 

This post was written as satire and does not reflect the actual opinions of its author. If you were offended then go back to Krypton and KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!

Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to The Matrix Fans

Contributor: Rick McGimpsey

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1. The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions completely outdid this one in every way. Better story, better acting, and better ideas.

2. The Matrix? You mean that blatant rip-off of Dark City and Ghost in the Shell? Yeah, real groundbreaker!

3. I am going to stick to the Wachowski’s better films like Speed Racer, thank you very much.

4. Why is that kid from Bill and Ted beating the crap out of Elrond?

5. So what is the Matrix for exactly? I mean, I acknowledge that over the years the machines perfected the Matrix to better suit the human hosts; but my question is why does the Matrix exist at all. Couldn’t the humans simply be put into senseless comas without simulated realities? That way they could be bred without providing lives that lead to the humans developing personalities and hopes that jeopardise the machines goals. The Matrix is pointless and stupid.

Next Monday: Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to 2001: A Space Odyssey Fans

Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to The Dark Tower Fans

Contributor: Rick McGimpsey

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1. Kaa led them to the Dark Tower? That’s bizarre! I mean the Harry Potter references are one thing, but Jungle Book characters are a bit too much!

2. The first three books were good, but then they just got real weird and went off the rails. Apparently half way through Stephen King forgot the face of his father.

3. Yeah this series is definitely not one of Stephen King’s better works. Oh well, not all can be winners. I’m going back to reading The Tommyknockers.

4. Dark Tower? Stephen King wrote a fanfiction about the Barad-Dur? Cool!

5. With Stephen King inserting himself into the story and making Easter Egg references to ‘Salem’s Lot and The Stand I begin to question whether Stephen King has not become too narcissistic. It’s like his career wound down and Dark Tower is nothing more than his literary “Greatest Hits” album!

Next Monday: Sci-Fi Movie Month

Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to 4 Fandoms + an Apology for the Delay

Contributor: Rick McGimpsey

As some of you realised by now I have been AWOL for nearly a month. Suffice it to say I had been dealing with some personal matters and took some time off. To those who read these lists of mine each week I offer an apology and a quick catch-up by posting all four delayed lists in one post. I hope you enjoy them and can forgive my absence.

List #1. Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to NCIS Fans

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1. The spin-offs are so much better. They have less annoying characters like Ducky or Abby.

2. Those black & white flairs and freeze shots at the beginning of every commercial break are annoying as hell. I am getting a headache.

3. 12 seasons! Good lord! Can they just cancel this dead show already!?

4. You know what would be an interesting story arc? Killing off Gibbs.

5. I don’t much care for this show. It seems more like a poor rip-off of JAG.

Here begins the first three lists for what would have been Book Series Month:

List #2. Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to Harry Potter Fans

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1. If I went to Hogwarts I would be put in Hufflepuff. That’s where Robert Pattinson went. He’s so dreamy! ❤

2. Why did the Order of the Phoenix in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows all take polyjuice potion to look like Harry if he is Enemy Number One? Why not all look like someone else or, even better, make Harry look like someone else? You know, someone the Death Eaters wouldn’t try to hunt and kill?

3. Harry Potter is an evil series promoting Druidism and anti-American values such as pagan rituals and blood sacrifices! Have I ever read them? No, of course not! Why would I?

4. Am I the only one who finds the Quidditch chapters tedious and boring?

5. Hogwarts is a terrible school. The students are constantly put in perpetual danger by incompetent staff. It’s set next to a forest filled with violent centaurs and giants. The school’s disciplinary methods apparently includes a school dungeon with all the trimmings such as trolls and three-headed dogs. It is divided into an archaic four-house class system encouraging bigotry and snobbery. And most of the teachers have history involving lycanthropy and/or associations with Grindelwald or Voldemort. What parent would ever send their child there? I would feel safer if my child was put in Durmstrang!

List #3. Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to Sherlock Holmes Fans:

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1. Psh! Sherlock Holmes is a nobody. Everyone knows the world’s greatest detective is Batman!

2. Arthur Conan Doyle? Didn’t that guy write The Lost World. Sherlock Holmes? Wait, you are saying Sherlock Holmes was in Jurassic Park? I am so confused.

3. Sherlock Holmes is terrible literary material for young readers! The man is a crack addict who is antisocial and self-centred. What kind of role-model is that? How could a hero with such imperfections be interesting?

4. Moriarty? Isn’t that the name of the Dwarf mines in Lord of the Rings?

5. Data from Star Trek was a much better Sherlock Holmes than Robert Downy Jr. or Benedict Cumberbatch!

List #4. Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to Ender’s Game Fans:

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1. There is a character named Bean. The author of the books is Orson Scott Card. There must be a connection somewhere, somehow to actor Orson Bean! I will find it!

2. Buggers? Wow, that sounds incredibly dirty!

3. Am I the only who has problems with Ender Wiggin’s morals? He saves the world from a serious threat and throws a fit about it even though it was necessary. That doesn’t make you a saint; it makes you a traitor.

4. So you are telling me a game reprogrammed itself and became an artificial sentience named Jane? Sounds to me like Mr. Card is ripping off TRON!

5. 15 books, huh? Orson Scott Card is gonna milk profit from these books until they are dry I guess.

This Monday (I promise): Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to Dark Tower Fans

Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to Family Guy Fans

Contributor: Rick McGimpsey

2 temp

1. I hate this show! All it is is a vulgar rip-off of The Simpsons and South Park.

2. Oh I love this show! Urkel was my favourite!

3. Cleveland Show is better.

4. The Star Wars specials were horrible. One of my favourite childhood movies ruined by this disgusting excuse for a show. I can’t believe George Lucas didn’t sue them!

5. Family Guy used to be good until they changed the characters. Stewie moved from supervillain to gay. Brian turned from intellectual to douche. Meg turned from moody teen to scapegoat. The show degenerated into a horrible mess that proves that animated TV series should end always end after season 10.

Next Week: Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to NCIS Fans

Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to Stargate: SG-1 Fans

Contributor: Rick McGimpsey

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1. Stargate: Universe was a much better show hands down.

2. You lost me at MacGyver and Anubis being enemies. I am sorry I am going to stick with more intelligent Sci-fi I am comfortable with like Tripping the Rift or something.

3. This show should have stayed on Showtime. The boobs would have made it watchable.

4. Stargate? Umm..no. Sorry I don’t much care for Bioware’s D&D games.

5. What this series needs is a good J. J. Abrams theatrical reboot!

Next week: Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to Family Guy Fans